Saturday, May 10, 2008

Superficial

I've only even alluded to my separation from Alex twice on this blog. Three times, including this post right here.

In some ways, I'd like to comment about it more often. Other times, I'm not at all in the mood to write or talk about it, least of all publish it on the Internet.

For the most part, if/when I do say something, I'm inclined to keep it pretty light and factual. This is not, and never has been, a gut-spilling blog. As unattractive as it sounds, this is actually a pretty superficial blog in a lot of ways.

But "light and factual" turned out to be a problem, since some of the people close to the situation have felt that I was glossing over the pain, acting like it was no big deal. Taking it--or anyway presenting it--lightly.

And obviously it is a big deal. It's a big, horrible, painful deal for everyone involved, especially Alex and, soon, the girls. It's not being taken lightly by anyone, certainly not by me.

My own way of handling this is very internal and that, in itself, is hard enough for those closest to me to accept, since everyone wants to help and I'm not very accommodating about that. I'd actually rather be left alone, a lot of the time.

This is not the forum in which I choose to process the separation and, possibly as a result of that, it never occurred to me that those affected by it might want me to talk about their pain on my blog.

And to be honest, I'm not sure I can. Or that I should be expected to. I will clarify though, at least once, since I don't want to give the impression that this is a simple or easy process. This is painful for all of us. It is changing the course of our lives. I had assumed that went without saying.

Alex does not want to separate. He is torn up by this, but is being very supportive, both emotionally and materially. That part does not go without saying - lots of partners would not have handled it that way and the whole thing is orders of magnitude less horrible than it could have been if he had reacted differently. And it will make a huge difference in the way the girls experience it as well. A positive difference.

[Looks around for segue]

See, what I really wanted to post was that video way down there. And a few days ago I wanted to post some photos of the apartment I'm planning to rent.

But I haven't felt able to mention the separation at all, since the way I did it before ended up hurting people I really have no business hurting any more than I already am.

I really want to be able to post about this. Probably not a whole lot, but now and then, when I feel like it. And the things I feel like posting are very likely not going to paint a picture of the whole separation process.

Okay?

This is the kind of thing I'd like to be able to post:

Alex and I were talking about the girls this morning. How this will affect them, and the fact that they wouldn't be part of our lives if the separation had come early in our relationship.

Thinking about choosing to have children, and trying to get pregnant (which took over a year the first time), I gradually realized that Sunshine on My Shoulders, by John Denver, was playing on the radio. This was the song - the only song - that I sang to Robin every night when she was a newborn.

7 comments:

The Blogger Formerly Known as DCup May 10, 2008 5:50 PM  

I know that this was not an easy post to write. Each person involved will experience the changes differently, as you know. I empathize with your desire to not hurt anyone at this inherently painful time. You don't need platitudes from me about how everything will be okay because okay is going to be hard to define in the coming weeks, months, years. You do, however, have my ear if ever you need it.

Big hug to you.

pidomon May 10, 2008 5:54 PM  

big hug to you from me too

PortlyDyke May 11, 2008 12:12 AM  

You have my hugs, too, Jen.

I often find myself not blogging in detail about interpersonal stuff at my blog -- for many reasons -- for one thing, the situation is often much more complex than I can do justice too, there are questions of what parts of the story are really "mine to tell", questions about my own objectivity, and the simple conundrum of trying to put a fluid process into fixed words.

IMO, you don't have a "responsibility" to blog about anyone else's experience, pain, or perspective in this situation -- anyone can start a blog, or write a journal, or seek out a friend to express themselves to. This is your space, and you get to write it how you want it.

That's my two cents, anyway.

Taking care of you is job 1, AFAIC -- because taking care of your kids is job 2, and an exhausted and burnt-out momma is not much use to hungry cubs.

{{OJenO}}

PortlyDyke May 11, 2008 12:13 AM  

Oh fer fuck's sake -- just ignore my typos, 'K? (to, not too, etc.)

quakerdave May 11, 2008 2:31 PM  

What PD said.

You blog about what you choose to blog about. You're not obligated to "share" anything which you do not wish to share. Anybody who wants more than what you are plainly willing to share - which would mean you put it up here already - is, frankly, maybe being a bit of a snoop.

Some folks turn their blogs into confessionals. I tend not to read those. So don't apologize for anything.

Write what you want. Share what you choose.

And remember that we are holding you and yours in our hearts.

Brave Sir Robin May 12, 2008 10:29 AM  

*hug*

btw - I love John Denver.

ouyangdan May 26, 2008 11:25 PM  

been there done that.

i get it.

{{{{{jen}}}}}

that is all.

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